Hoppin' Up and Down

There are some things in life, things often taken for granted, things often forgotten about when in ample supply, things you just don't seem to notice, that make living on this God- forsaken, little rock in the middle of nowhere almost bearable. Things like a mini-fridge full of beer. Free cable. Light traffic. A girl on the rebound. The douche bag neighbors being evicted. And, as I found out this week: steady income.
Yes, once again, the Angry Chef has found regular employment. My former boss, Abdullah, and I were hired at the "Squeal of Delight Rib Shack" in the mini-mall near the "Dollar Store" and "Rex's Fireworks and Stuff". The management, clearly overwhelmed at our resumes, gave us both a company apron, rubber gloves, and positions manning "the pit" and butchering "the new meat". Since they obviously noted that the two of us were no dummies, we also seem to be entrusted with the rest of the establishment. There's never anyone else here, and besides the noise of the pigs out back, the work is quiet and stress free.
Plus, I'm getting paid. Don't ever repeat this but I am the almighty dollar's bitch. No seriously, I mean it, don't ever...fucking...repeat.... that.
So anyways, just like the good things in life (or things that make it less worse than normal), there are good things in cooking too. The recipe that me and my sous-Angry Chef, Tulip, chose to celebrate my new employment with, Hoppin' John, includes four of these "making it sort of better" ingredients.
Another thing that makes life less worse then usual? A sous chef that knows how to read a fucking clock. I call up my sous-Angry Chef, Tulip, on her cell and ask what the hell's taking her so long.
Things You Need To Get:
6-8 slices Bacon
1 Onion
2 Tbsp. jarred, minced garlic (can't find? can't steal? fuck it... I mean, optional)
1 Bag frozen, or 2 cans black eyed peas (if you opt for frozen, shoplift by stuffing down the front of your pants, this will improve your shopping speed)
1 can Corn
1 cup Rice
2 tsps. Cayenne Pepper (do I need to repeat myself about nonexistent spice security?)
1 Tbsp. Cumin
Pepper (to taste, so, a lot)
Montreal Steak Seasoning OR Greek Seasoning
Hot Sauce (try to stretch your horizons and find something other then Tabasco you closeted, shallow twerp)
Everything is better with bacon. It can be, and is, used successfully in everything from drinks (Bloody Marys) to desserts (ever try honey and bacon glazed ice cream?). Maybe it's the crisp, or the salt, or the delicious mess it makes, or maybe you just feel like a bad ass eating it, but bacon is a welcome addition to almost any dish. It is the base of Hoppin' John. Cut up the bacon into small squares and throw it into a hot frying pan. Don't be shy about the heat, if possible bacon is almost better burnt. Use more if you want, hell, use the whole package. You can't really overdo this. While it's browning, chop up the onion and throw it in there with the garlic too.
When the onion is soft and the bacon looks just about done, throw in the rice, with two cups of water, the veggies, cayenne, cumin and pepper. My sous- Angry Chef, Tulip, is insisting that you should drain out some of the bacon grease before you add these things- so I guess you can try that if you're a pussy.
Incidentally, rice is another thing that's better with everything. Stuck on choosing a side with your entree? Make rice. Have to get rid of something in the refrigerator? Mix it with rice. Flat broke and starving? A bag of rice will sustain you for weeks, ask anyone in Laos. Rice mixes with and complements every type of food there is. Its like the cantina in "Star Wars": its always different, everybody's welcome, it can always surprise you and no droids are allowed. My sous- Angry Chef, Tulip, recently fed me brown rice with some sort of tofu junk in it. The rice made it palatable. Since I normally wouldn't get near anything that's made of any sort of "curd", this is a testament to rice's greatness.
Anyways, slap a cover on your pan, wait until it starts to boil, and then turn the heat down to low on it for about twenty minutes. Do not lift the fucking cover to "check" on it. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH IT. My sous- Angry Chef, Tulip, uses this time to explain to me that "wild rice" isn't rice at all but a type of grass. She claims that she knew a guy who knew a guy who used to smoke it. Any of you morons who can validate whether this is true or not are welcome to please send me a quick note and then never come back to this site again.
When time's up my sous- Angry Chef, Tulip, lifts the cover off the pan and gently stirs in the last two ingredients while the remaining water boils away. These are the last two "makes everything sorta better" ingredients. Montreal Steak Seasoning, despite its name, can be used for anything. Use it as a dash of flavor in veggie dishes and as a solid rub on meat (especially beef and chicken). Hot sauce is only for the real gourmet. Asshats and knobs are not welcome here. Just like pepper, hot sauce brings out flavor and eases digestion. True, if you are an advanced alcoholic with an ulcer you may not appreciate hot sauce. But then again, you aren't cooking anyways you piece of shit. And no, dipping Ritz crackers into peanut butter and topping them with old slices of ham does not count as "cooking".
Use the seasoning and sauce to what you think tastes best, starting with what you think is less then enough and adding more. Remember Einstein, you can put it in, but its a hell of a lot of work to get it back out.
Me and my sous- Angry Chef, Tulip, sit down to enjoy our bowls of "Hoppin' John" while I tell her about my day of basting brisket and smoking snouts. We have a lot of laughs over "Big Brother"and for once, just once this fucking month, life is sorta, kinda better then the pissing me off way it usually is.