Unsociable Steak and Bad Breath Bread

Sometimes... no, most of the time, I just can't stand to be around people. Honestly, they make me fucking crazy. This doesn't really affect my every day life until it comes time to work, answer the phone, or otherwise function in the real world. Working at The Squeal of Delight Rib Shack puts me into contact with people just a little too much and sometimes I find myself craving, or even needing some time alone. Some Angry Chef Time...

Thinking about this brings up some things that I can't stand about people. In no specific order...

1. I hate it when people smile for no reason. When I'm driving along and see some pedestrian walking down the sidewalk with a big grin on their big, stupid face I almost want to veer the car off the road and take them out.

2. I hate people who always think they're right, because usually they're dead wrong.

3. I hate people who always go along with the crowd. When I find myself thinking like everyone else, I think again.

4. I hate people who use occurring events to justify unconscionable actions. Gangs of idiots attacking a fan of the opposing team, drivers who mow down pedestrians because they feel they have the right of way, and politicians running for office who pay money to ruin someone's reputation all fall into this category.

5. People who don't realize there are other people in this world that have to put up with them. This is, mostly, everybody besides me.

When I'm in moods like this, nothing helps except beer, TV and cooking. So with The Femme Nikita on the tube and a case of Milwaukee's Best Ice freshly cracked, I start to cook this week's dish.

What You Need To Get:

1 lb. Sirloin Steak

1 clove garlic (Garlic comes in white bulbs with multiple cloves. Steal one, whole bulb and save the rest for another time)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper (Use more if you're not a jackass)

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/3 cup flour

First, I tear or cut one the sections of the garlic bulb away from the rest. This is one "clove" of garlic. I peel off all the papery skin and cut the bitch in half so I have two chunks of smooth garlic with raw ends. Rub those raw ends all over your steak. Don't be shy. If you feel like you're not doing this step right try to remember that they could train ferrets to do this and you are a complete moron. Stop what you're doing, do not pass Go, get the hell out of the kitchen and find the phone number of your local Jimmy Johns.

Once the steak smells a little garlicky, I take the salt, pepper, and onion powder and rub it into the steak. Then, I coat the steak with the flour and let it sit a second.

The secret to making a good, pan-fried steak is to have the pan screaming hot when the steak hits it. Warm it up over high heat with some veggie or olive oil until you can feel the heat coming off the pan or when a drop of water spits when it hits it. The pan should resemble your personality after a bad day at work.

When you drop the steak into the pan you should hear a long hiss like a super-pissed off devil. The longer the hiss, the better you've done. Leave it on the pan in one place for about five minutes. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH IT. Leaving the meat sit will create a nice crust of char that you'll appreciate later. After five minutes, flip the steak and sear the other side.

In the mean time, start working on part two...

What You Need To Get:

One stick of butter

2 teaspoons minced garlic (Cut another clove into tiny pieces)

1 1/2 Tablespoons parsley

1 teaspoon thyme

Salt and pepper (to taste... so, a lot)

One loaf French or Italian bread (sandwich shops GIVE THIS STUFF AWAY at closing time)

Aluminum foil

This one is almost too easy. Mix together the butter, garlic and spices so that you're left, basically, with flavored butter.

Then take the loaf of bread and slice it like you would any ordinary bread EXCEPT, and here's the only tricky part, DO NOT slice it all the way to the bottom of the loaf. You should wind up with a loaf of bread that sort of reminds you of a slinky. It is not OK to try to make your loaf of bread go down the stairs of your apartment building.

Spread about a spoon's worth of the flavored butter into each slice that you've made on the loaf, and press it back together.

Then, put the bread in a pan, cover it with the foil (the shiny side should be on the inside, genius)and bake it at 375 degrees for about 10 minutes.

At this point you should have a steak that looks like its been through hell and a loaf of bread that smells great but looks like it's oozing pus. Trust me, they both taste delicious.

I take a long swig of beer and listen to the sounds of tires squealing, bass thumping and people screaming "Woot, Woot" outside my window. I'm glad I have this time to enjoy by myself. The world should be glad it doesn't have to enjoy my company. The Femme Nikita seems to not enjoy either of us...