Brahhts NOT Brats

What you need to get:

Brats (Brahhts)

One onion (Incredibly easy to steal)

Beer (not so easy to steal, especially a lot of it)

I went to the county fair the other day. This, as you may have expected, went horribly. There were little anklebiters running all around me (brats). It was about 90 degrees and hicks were splashing sweat all over me. And all the bands sucked... with the exception of the punk band in the kiddy area that kept dropping f-bombs. That part I really enjoyed.

Anyways, since I was a little hungry and had some extra cash to spend on their over-priced swill, I went over to the local Kiwanis' tent and ordered myself a brat (Brahht). It was, in a word, horrible. So I threw it back over the counter in the general direction of the guy with the funny hat and demanded my money back.

So after I was escorted off the grounds and asked not to return, I decided to invite my sous-angry chef, Tulip, over so we could make some "real" brats (brahhts) of our own. Yes, there were still some brats (brats) running around, my neighbors' have a thing for blasting Bryan Adams music while they let the kids run around outside, but all in all it was a good idea for something to make for this weekend.

I let my sous-angry chef Tulip make the fire. I just get too carried away when I'm around inflammable stuff and find myself throwing in stuff like the neighbor's shrubbery, junk mail and old cassette tapes (ones that aren't mine). The key for brats (brahhts) is to pile the coals up in the middle of the the grill (And I'm talking a little Weber grill here people, PLEASE MOVE ON if you're using a cadillac-sized gas grill) so the heat is centered in the middle of the circle.

Meanwhile, I'm in the kitchen, slicing up a whole onion (and no, I'm not crying, bitch) and bringing my brats (brahhts), covered with water, to a boil in a small saucepan.

When the water's good and rollin', throw in the onions and, here's the secret, a can of beer (maybe two if you can spare them).

My sous-angry chef, Tulip, prefers to use imported beer (Guiness, Hacker-Pschorr, etc.) But I think that's just stupid. First of all, you're only trying to get the "essence" of the beer, not, like, fine bouquets of malts and barleys. Secondly, that shit's too expensive for just it's "essence". Remember, you just mixed it with an onion and meat, "My goodness, my fucking Guiness" is not the experience you're looking for here. I use Milwaukee' s Best or Pabst.

While we're at it, let's talk about brats (brahhts). There are only two acceptable kind: Johnsonville and Klements. If you disagree, sign off of this site right the fuck now and never come back. Enjoy your damn bologna sandwiches.

I'm letting the brats (brahhts) simmer for ten minutes or so in the saucepan while Tulip is yelling at me about "not being nice" and I'm trying to ignore the brats (brats) running around the hot grill outside. This is a good time to start drinking the rest of your beer.

When I finally put the brats (brahhts) on the grill, there's one important thing to remember: Put them in a ring around the outer edge, THE OUTER EDGE. Do not fuck this up. You want them to have indirect heat. Close up the holes on your Weber and flip them every five minutes or so until they have a nice, charred crust on them.

When they're ready, serve the brats (brahhts) in a sturdy bun (thick Kaiser or sourdough, NOT A HOT DOG BUN) with a little ketchup, mustard and maybe some of the onions you boiled them in. If you dare to eat them with a knife and fork, be warned that your masculinity is in grave danger.

Tulip has been teaching the brats (brats) a little game called "The Rock Game" so they'll shut up and not disturb The Angry Chef while he enjoys a "real" brat (brahht). She can actually be kind of handy to have around, especially when I'm having brats (brahhts) and beer.

Hard-Ass Eggs

I've been feeling a little sick this week. Kind of an upset stomach, and tired out. In times like this, I rely on a little snack that's good for me, fills me up, and that any idiot can make. A snack that I can carry around in my pocket and pelt people with if I feel the need. A snack that goes with anything and makes you feel better. Hard- boiled eggs.

My sous- angry chef, Tulip has been coming over making soup and toast and crap like that. This, I tell her, is a waste of time. Why boil up some weeds, or char some grain, when you can easily make a handful of protein and essential vitamins?

Tulip, of course, was offended when I asked her this, and she's been stomping around in the kitchen for the last few hours washing some dishes that she says, "I must be ABOVE cleaning".

Anyways, for this recipe, which only a complete moron can screw up, you'll need a dozen eggs. Not small eggs, or medium eggs, and don't bother worrying if they're "organic" or "free- range", just buy twelve, as big as you can get, eggs. God damn.

I dated this girl from Poland once, and she used to complain about how bad the eggs in America were. She'd say, "The Polish eggs taste better. They are more natural. They're brown, not white." To which I had to reply, "The reason they're brown is because they come from different chickens from different parts of the world. I guarantee I can make an omelet as good as the one you made in Krakow. And it'll probably even look edible." Shortly afterwards, we broke up. What I'm trying to get through your skull is: it doesn't matter what kind of eggs you steal... just make sure they're big.

On to the cooking:

Now put all these eggs in a nice, roomy pot covered by about an inch of water, and put it on your hot plate turned up to high heat. My sous- angry chef Tulip is telling me that you should also add a splash of vinegar to the water. Something about the shells not cracking. I think she's still just pissed at me.

When that water starts to boil (lots of bubbles on the sides, a few rising to the top, NOT OVERFLOWING) take it off the heat, cover it up, and leave it alone for ten minutes or so. DON'T TOUCH IT, that part is very important.

After about ten minutes of TV watching time, drain the eggs and run cold water, as cold as you can get it, over them. The idea is to stop them from cooking so they don't burst out of their shells until they're ready. Hopefully, every guy that's reading this knows what the hell I'm talking about.

After a bit of fridge time, you've got a perfect snack that's easy on your stomach and sort of good for you. Tulip mentioned to me just now that you can make some sort of egg salad out of them, or slice them up and use them as a topping, and I guess that's all well and fucking good. I prefer, though, just to peel them and eat them as they are (the fun part is, this really grosses some people out).

But I don't know, she did the dishes. Maybe we'll try something her way tonight...

The Perfect, Pissed-Off Pork Chop

What you need to get:
One package of pork chops (about a pound)
Salt and Pepper
Your choice of spices (make a decision for once)
One can Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup

So we all need meat, right?
No, I'm not talking to any wanna be vegetarians. No, I don't think "true" vegetarians really fucking exist. You people are living in denial. Human beings have pointy teeth for a reason. Accept this fact and step away from the pot of lentils and the Kumbaya jam session. If you can't stop hugging your fellow animal-lovers and grow a pair then this site is not for you. Switch over to the PETA, KFC protest blog immediately.
Anyways, besides chicken, pork is probably one of the healthiest choices for meat out there. It's lean, it tastes good, its the other white meat. And its cheap (only a few bucks for about a pound).
My sous-angry chef, Tulip, is telling me that bone-in pork chops have more flavor then boneless pork chops; but I think this is bullshit. Yes, a bone may add more flavor to a piece of meat. But you have to realize that you're paying for something that you're not going to eat. Something that will stink up your garbage for the next few days. Go boneless, I'll show you how to take care of the flavor.
There's also a whole bunch of whiners out there raising a fuss about low-sodium versus regular soup. The urgent care doctors have advised me, due to my abnormally high blood pressure, to avoid sodium. So I keep the salt shaker away. My mom used to have salt and pepper shakers shaped like a cat and a dog. The thought of shaking anything out of a cat's ass on to my food still makes it easy to avoid extra sodium. However, in this case, I would just choose the soup that you like best. Whether its low sodium, or tastes good, won't matter in the end.
Finally, I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't pay for your spices. For this dish you'll need your choice of cumin, paprika, rosemary, or chili powder. They all come in little jars, they all fit in the palm of your hand, they all slip easily into your pocket at the grocery store. The grocery store "security" is NOT watching the spice aisle; they've got their cameras trained on the liquor and cigarettes. You will not be caught unless you are a complete retard. And really, do you feel that you should pay for something that you're only gonna use a few times in the next couple of months?
My angry-sous chef, Tulip, is making some noise about how that's wrong and whatever. Something about building a spice rack. Fine, I have an extra shoebox at my apartment, maybe I'll start building a fucking spice rack.
On to the cooking:
My dad taught me this recipe, or at least let me watch while he made it, and told me that its cheap, easy and even social workers think its classy.
Start out by hitting the chops on both sides with the salt and pepper and rubbing it in. Use as much as you like, I can't hold your hand on this one.
Next, set the chops in a blazing hot pan. MAKE SURE ITS HOT. You can check with a few drops of water or some oil, or your knuckle, but you have to be sure that the pan's surface is smokin'. This is very important. After about two minutes (maybe three, check to see if the downside is turning white), flip the chops.
In the meantime, Tulip has mixed the condensed soup with another can of water and is heating it up in a small pan over the radiator. If I need to explain to you how to do this, you SHOULD NOT be anywhere near household appliances.
When both sides of the chops are a little brown, I add whatever spice I'm using to both sides, and pour Tulip's soup over them and lower the heat. Then I partially cover the pan, PARTIALLY COVER, and watch TV for ten minutes or so. I flip the chops once again after that and watch TV for another ten minutes or the closest commercial break.
You can finish these with a little extra spice, or maybe pour a little of the soup over them, but they're pretty good on their own. If you got the chops with a bone, you can hold them in your hand while you eat them. If you're more of a refined asshole, like me, you use a knife and fork and get your sorry self out of the stone age.
Tulip wants to watch "Dexter". Perfect Pissed-Off Pork Chop food...