Hard-Ass Eggs

I've been feeling a little sick this week. Kind of an upset stomach, and tired out. In times like this, I rely on a little snack that's good for me, fills me up, and that any idiot can make. A snack that I can carry around in my pocket and pelt people with if I feel the need. A snack that goes with anything and makes you feel better. Hard- boiled eggs.

My sous- angry chef, Tulip has been coming over making soup and toast and crap like that. This, I tell her, is a waste of time. Why boil up some weeds, or char some grain, when you can easily make a handful of protein and essential vitamins?

Tulip, of course, was offended when I asked her this, and she's been stomping around in the kitchen for the last few hours washing some dishes that she says, "I must be ABOVE cleaning".

Anyways, for this recipe, which only a complete moron can screw up, you'll need a dozen eggs. Not small eggs, or medium eggs, and don't bother worrying if they're "organic" or "free- range", just buy twelve, as big as you can get, eggs. God damn.

I dated this girl from Poland once, and she used to complain about how bad the eggs in America were. She'd say, "The Polish eggs taste better. They are more natural. They're brown, not white." To which I had to reply, "The reason they're brown is because they come from different chickens from different parts of the world. I guarantee I can make an omelet as good as the one you made in Krakow. And it'll probably even look edible." Shortly afterwards, we broke up. What I'm trying to get through your skull is: it doesn't matter what kind of eggs you steal... just make sure they're big.

On to the cooking:

Now put all these eggs in a nice, roomy pot covered by about an inch of water, and put it on your hot plate turned up to high heat. My sous- angry chef Tulip is telling me that you should also add a splash of vinegar to the water. Something about the shells not cracking. I think she's still just pissed at me.

When that water starts to boil (lots of bubbles on the sides, a few rising to the top, NOT OVERFLOWING) take it off the heat, cover it up, and leave it alone for ten minutes or so. DON'T TOUCH IT, that part is very important.

After about ten minutes of TV watching time, drain the eggs and run cold water, as cold as you can get it, over them. The idea is to stop them from cooking so they don't burst out of their shells until they're ready. Hopefully, every guy that's reading this knows what the hell I'm talking about.

After a bit of fridge time, you've got a perfect snack that's easy on your stomach and sort of good for you. Tulip mentioned to me just now that you can make some sort of egg salad out of them, or slice them up and use them as a topping, and I guess that's all well and fucking good. I prefer, though, just to peel them and eat them as they are (the fun part is, this really grosses some people out).

But I don't know, she did the dishes. Maybe we'll try something her way tonight...