Tulip Tuesday, Cherry Coke JELL-O

Things you need to get:

Cherry JELL-O (easy to steal)

Coke (you don't know where to find a Coke?)

Reddi-Whip (unbelievably well protected at grocery stores, borrow from Grandma)

Tulip has been bugging the shit out of me about writing her own post on this website. Seriously, text messages at 4 in the fucking morning are NOT COOL. So I decided to give her her own little moment to get her off my back: this one's called Cherry Coke JELL-O.

Hi everyone, Tulip here, the sous-angry chef. The Angry Chef is busy sleeping off his latest escapade, which involved consuming all the beer in my fridge and watching "Lost" episodes until 3 AM. So you know what? Fuck him. I'm taking over today, and we're gonna make some delicious Cherry Coke JELL-O. Ready? Here we go.

The Angry Chef would like to point out that he is certainly NOT ready for this culinary disaster. All he can picture, in this brief moment of clarity, is Bill Cosby and a grown-up Rudy doing the nasty in Atlanta while someone tries to sell him "a Coke and a smile". I'm going back to bed.

Get a box of cherry JELL-O. I don't care if it's regular or sugar-free. Why buy sugar-free JELL-O anyways? You're concerned about your health? This shit is made from horses' hooves. Get over yourself. Anyways, heat up some water in the microwave or on your hotplate, and use it for the hot water part of the JELL-O recipe.

Next, grab a can of Coke out of the fridge. It has to be REALLY, FUCKING COLD. If you fuck this part up, you don't deserve to live on your own. You can stick it in the freezer for a few minutes if it's not cold enough. But whatever you do, DO NOT forget it's in there, because otherwise it'll explode and leave a huge mess over the inside of your freezer and piss off your landlord and you'll never see that fucking security deposit ever again. Except, maybe, in the form of new flame detailing on the side of the bastard's truck. Prick.

Also, I don't care if it's regular or Diet Coke, but if it's that diet caffeine-free shit, get the fuck out, you pansy. Same for you, Pepsi fans. I would say something about store-brand cola, but I doubt it's consumers know how to use this damn "intraweb thingy". So take that cold-ass can of Coke, pop it open, and pour about 2/3 of it (8 oz.) into the hot, JELL-O soup. Chug the rest and crush the can against your forehead. YOU MUST DO THIS.

I've opened my eyes long enough to say that I'm kind of proud of my sous-angry chef,Tulip. Her landlord really is a prick. We've gotten into fights over which Bon Jovi album is the best on at least two occasions. Also, crushing the can against your forehead is ESSENTIAL. I think I've taught her well.

Pour the JELL-O soup into jam jars, glasses, shot glasses, bowls, whatever you have handy. Shove aside the rest of the Coke and beer in the fridge and put the JELL-O in. Leave it alone for FOUR HOURS. Don't you dare fucking touch it. Go play PS3 or throw rocks at things for awhile.

After you've worked up an appetite playing GTA3 or pissing off that beehive, you can shovel it down. It's pretty damn tasty with some Reddi-Whip on top. Perfect for soothing the barely contained rage at the inattentive Angry Chef sleeping on your couch for the past fifteen hours. Maybe I should poke him to see if he's still alive.

Eh, I'm sure he's fine..